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Am I Ready For Sex

How do I know when I am ready for sex? How do I know what sexual activities I am comfortable with? How will I know what my boundaries are?

The answer to these questions is different for every person. There is no magical age when a person is ready to have sex and it is a question that may come up repeatedly over the course of someone’s lifetime. Deciding what you feel comfortable doing or “how far” you want to go is a personal choice that you have to make each and every time you become physically or emotionally involved with another person. Having a physical desire to enjoy sexual pleasure is not the same thing as being emotionally prepared for sex with another person.

There is also no rule about how long people should date before getting sexually involved. Just because a person has been sexually active in the past does not mean he or she is ready for sex now. As a rule, if you are having doubts, then you are probably not ready for sex with another person at that time.

In an ideal world, sex would always be pleasurable and enjoyable. Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to. The right partner will respect your decision.


Know Yourself...

Here are some questions to consider:
  1. Am I feeling pressured to have sex by my partner, my friends or my peers?
  2. Will having sex fit with my religious and moral beliefs?
  3. Will I feel guilty if I have sex? Why?
  4. Do I want to have sex to get love, affection or attention?
  5. Do I want to have sex to prove that I am sexually attractive?
  6. Am I afraid that my reputation will be hurt if I have sex?
  7. Do I think sex will bring my partner and me closer together, both emotionally and physically?
  8. Do my partner and I want the same things from sex?
  9. Can I talk to my partner about sexually transmitted infections and can we share responsibility for safer sex?
  10. Can I talk to my partner about birth control and can we share responsibility for birth control?
  11. If birth control fails, are we ready to deal with an unplanned pregnancy?

If you answered “yes” to questions: 1,3,4,5,6 or 7 or “no” to questions: 2,10 or 11 then you may want to think more about whether or not you are really ready to have sex.


SEXUAL BOUNDARIES

Only you can decide when you feel ready for sex and what you are comfortable doing. You might be comfortable with certain sexual practises and activities and not with others (see - safer sex practises and activities). For instance, some people enjoy oral sex but will not have sexual intercourse before marriage. Determine your sexual boundaries before you get involved with a partner and you will be more prepared to have this discussion when you need to. Things may change as your relationship progresses but thinking about your limits will help to ensure that you do not succumb to peer pressure and end up doing things outside of your comfort zone.
Here are some questions to consider:
  1. Am I sexually attracted to this person? Would I like to be sexually intimate with my partner or do I just want to be friends?
  2. Where do I like to be touched? Are there areas of my body that I don’t like to be touched?
  3. How do I feel about giving and receiving oral sex?
  4. How do I feel about anal sex?
  5. How do I feel about the risks of an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually transmitted infection?
  6. What birth control do I prefer?
  7. How will I protect myself and my partner against STIs?
  8. How do I feel about using condoms?
  9. What would I do if my partner refused to use a condom?
  10. Can I ask my partner to get tested for sexually transmitted infections?
  11. Have I been or would I be comfortable getting tested for STIs myself?

It’s important to let youth know they have the right to change their mind and stop a sexual activity at any point while it is happening, and it is their partner’s responsibility to respect that. Likewise, it is also their responsibility to check in with their partner and to respect their feelings about a situation if they want to stop, slow down or take a break to sort out their thoughts.



Head, Heart, Genitals


Sexicons Art To make a well considered decision about sexual activity all three aspects need to be checked each time someone makes a decision to have sex:

Head – Ask yourself:
Why am I doing this? Do I agree with what is going on? Does this fit with my values? How will I feel about this decision tomorrow?

Heart – Ask yourself:
Do I feel safe and comfortable with this person? Does this feel right to me? Do I like this person? Can I trust them?

Genitals – Ask yourself:
What does my body want to do? Are the juices flowing? Do I like what’s happening? Am I, and is my partner protected from STIs or pregnancy?



NEGOTIATING YOUR LIMITS

Sometimes people are not on the same page when it comes to their sexual values, ideas and preferences and this is why communication (see - Communication in this section) is so important. If your partner has different sexual preferences, you will have to do some negotiating to figure out what the parameters of your relationship are and where the common ground lies. Most people view negotiation as bargaining between two people; however it is much more than that. It is a decision making process that requires honest discussion about feelings, beliefs, comfort zones and limits.

Timing is everything. We know that many people, like Selma and Frank, talk about safer sex, birth control or their sexual boundaries when they are intimate and they simply cannot put off the conversation any longer. This is not ideal. Instead, we suggest that you talk with your partner when you are not having sex – that way there is no pressure or risk that you will get carried away because it feels too good to stop. By the way….talking about sexual preferences and boundaries can be a real turn on. It builds intimacy and respect that are foundational for a healthy relationship.


TIPS FOR NEGOTIATING SAFER SEX
It is one thing to know about safer sex and quite another to ask your partner if he has a condom in the middle of some heavy petting. Here are some tips to help you negotiate safer sex with your partner:

Talk with your partner about safer sex before you are sexually entangled. Sometimes people get carried away when they are turned on and don’t have the will power to stop and have a conversation about condom use.
Talk with your partner when you are both sober. People take chances they normally wouldn’t when they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. You definitely don’t want to make a mistake that could affect your entire future.
Carry a condom. This advice applies to men and women. Do not assume it is your partner’s responsibility to bring protection. Carry your own condoms so there is no excuse not to have safer sex. Besides, who wants to go out looking for the nearest drugstore that is open after midnight? When you buy condoms, check the expiry date on the package and store them in your purse, wallet or coat pocket. Avoid carrying them somewhere warm like in your pants pocket because heat can break down the latex - (and if your condom has actually formed a ring that shows through the outside of your wallet, it has been there too long!).
Be clear about your boundaries. Respect your partner and respect yourself. Think about what sexual practises you are comfortable with and what your limits are before you get sexually involved. Talk about your feelings and listen to your partner with respect. Open and respectful communication will build trust and intimacy beyond your wildest dreams.




Source: Government of Alberta Health and Wellness, Alberta Health, (n.d.). Growing up healthy: Am I ready for sex? Available online at http://www.health.alberta.ca/health-info/sex-am-I-ready.html


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