Coming Out

Coming out is the process of acknowledging and accepting your own sexual orientation and expression, and then integrating this knowledge into your personal and social life, including telling other people you choose to. Coming out as LGBT (lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender) is a big deal for some people, especially if they are not sure how this news will be received. Other people are quite comfortable with their sexual identity and orientation and have no problem declaring this loudly and proudly. Coming out is a process of self-acceptance and affirmation, not because there is anything wrong with being LGBT but because we live in a homophobic world where it is assumed everyone is heterosexual or straight unless they come out. When people talk about living “in the closet” it means that they live as a LGBT person privately but publicly don’t admit it, permitting people to assume they are straight or even go out of their way to create the illusion that they are heterosexual. While this may be necessary in some instances, it is also incredibly stressful and energy-consuming to do on a regular basis. Let’s hope that one day sexual identity will cease to be an issue because a range of sexual expression is affirmed and normalized in our world, but for now, coming out is a life-long process of telling your story over and over. Bill: Hey Mike, how was your weekend?
Mike: Oh pretty good. I just hung out with my room mate. We went to a show. [Translation: I went to a movie with my boyfriend, a man I have been hopelessly in love with for the past two years].
Bill: Sounds cool. Hey, we should go on a double-date sometime…ask those two new chicks, Vera and Monique, out to a movie. What do you think?
Mike: That would be great. [Translation: I’d rather light my hair on fire].
Bill: How about next weekend?
Mike: Oh, too bad, I am away next weekend. Maybe another time – oh look at the time – I’ve got to go right now but we’ll talk later. [Translation: Oh great – now I am going to have to avoid you like the Bubonic plague or tell you the truth and risk losing your friendship. Being gay in a world that’s mostly straight is so damn complicated!]
Considerations

Your sexual identity is your own business and just because you are LGBT doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone. The decision of when to come out is one you get to make. It’s your life and you have the right to be in charge of this process. Put some thought into how you want to say it and to whom. Coming out can be really great or not so wonderful depending on the attitudes and reactions of the people you come out to and what other supports you have in your life.

If you are thinking of coming out, here are a few questions to consider:

• What do I know about this person’s beliefs?
• How do I think this person will react?
• Do I need to share my personal information with this person? Does it matter to our relationship?
• How will I feel about myself if I don’t tell?
• How important is this person to me?
• How do I think this will change our relationship?
• Do I trust this person not to tell others?

There is no right way or wrong way to come out. If you are nervous about coming out (and most people initially are), try to imagine how the scene will unfold and even rehearse your lines beforehand. Of course, you can never be sure how some people will react but you are not responsible for their feelings, only yours. If someone you care about reacts negatively, it doesn’t mean that person will always feel that way. Some people are shocked by the news and need some time to grapple with the new reality. Other people will surprise you with their love and support. Coming out takes courage but it gets easier every time and the benefit is that you get to live authentically and proudly as yourself.


Supporting Someone Who Comes Out to You

What do I say?

When people disclose that they are LGBT, it means they care enough about you to be vulnerable and let you into their personal lives. Take a moment to imagine how it would feel if the situation was reversed and you were the one coming out. How would you feel? What kind of a reaction would you hope for? It takes courage to come out so honour the process and offer your support. Listen more than you talk and never disclose a person’s sexual orientation or gender identify to others. It’s not your story to tell.

How to respond

Sometimes people are caught off guard and react with shock and disbelief instead of acceptance and support. If this happens to you, apologize and take responsibility for your feelings and reactions. We live in a homophobic world and your reaction signals that you have some unlearning to do in order to become a LGBT ally.


Coming Out As a Parent of a LGBT Child

Just as coming out can be difficult for LGBT people, the coming out process also affects family members, especially parents who are struggling to accept their child’s sexual orientation and may worry about how other people will react. Parents are in a dual role – they need to support their children but may also be experiencing anxiety about coming out to people as a parent of a LGBT child. How will they field questions like “Does you son have a girlfriend yet” or “Is your daughter ever going to get married”? How will people react when their child brings a same-sex partner to the next family reunion? What will the neighbours say? Will my child be safe? What are the risks associated with being LGBT? As difficult as this new reality is for you, just imagine what it feels like for your child. If your child has recently come out, we suggest you educate yourself and seek support from other parents of LGBT children .


Tips for Becoming an Ally

• Read books, watch gay positive movies, attend LGBT functions, talk with other allies and do some research online.
• When talking about relationships use open ended language. Asking someone you don’t know well if they have a partner or significant other, instead of husband or girlfriend, shows you aren’t assuming their sexual orientation.
• Assume sexual diversity is around you.
• Look at each LGBT person as an individual instead of a representative of a community.
• Don’t try to guess someone’s orientation. They will tell you if they want you to know.
• Confront homophobia and transphobia (jokes or comments)