Talking About Sex

Communication

It is amazing how many people have sex but don’t feel comfortable talking about it. If you want a healthy sexual relationship, the single most important thing you can do is focus on your communication.

Talking About Sex

Good communication means that you are able to talk about yourself and how you feel about your sexual relationship.
This requires you to be conscious of your feelings…

3 Heads Talking

… And then to share your thoughts and feelings with someone else.

We know that talking honestly and openly about sexual issues can be challenging. Lots of people feel shy or embarrassed to ask for what they need sexually even if they are in a loving relationship. There are lots of reasons for this:

They grew up with the message that sex is “dirty” or that it is impolite to talk about sex;
They don’t want to appear sexually promiscuous;
They are worried about hurting their partner’s feelings;
They are concerned about how their partner will react;
They’ve been with their lover for years and don’t know how to bring it up.

It is normal to feel nervous when you talk about your sexual feelings and needs but our advice is to acknowledge your fear and take a risk anyway! Being vulnerable is part of building intimacy and trust in a relationship. When you share your thoughts and feelings, it gives your partner permission to do the same. Express yourself and you may be pleased to find that your sex life improves dramatically.

Listening to your lover

The other half of good communication is listening to your lover with full attention and presence of mind. Show your partner that you are listening by:

Making eye contact;
Nodding your head;
Asking appropriate questions; and
Listening without interrupting.

Listening builds trust and lets your partner know that what she or he says is important.

Sexual Language

Conversations about sex inevitably contain sexual terms and sexual language that can be loaded up with all sorts of underlying messages about identity, power and values. When people are not comfortable talking about sex, they often use slang words or vague phrases to communicate with others. This can lead to bad feelings, miscommunication and disagreement.

For instance, some people prefer to use proper sexual terms like “sexual intercourse” and “oral sex” and other people find this sounds too clinical to turn them on. Some people prefer slang terms like “fucking” or “blow job” but their partners find these terms demeaning or degrading. Sometimes phrases like “do you want to hook up” or “get together” are too vague and cause unnecessary confusion about expectations. What’s the answer?

Talk about it! Be clear and find a common language that works for both of you. Be creative and come up with language that is just for the two of you – how intimate is that! (Note: This is okay for adults but children really need to know the proper terms for body parts - see “Parenting — talking to your children about sex”)

Body Language

A lot of sexual communication happens through body language. We flirt with our eyes, express our feelings through touch and use sounds to let a lover know what feels good. If you don’t want to tell your partner what you find sexually pleasing, you can always show him. Guide her hand or communicate by changing your own body movements. Ideally a person’s body language and words should be consistent but this is not always the case. Sometimes a person says one thing but her/his body is telling you something different. If this happens to you, stop what you are doing and ask your partner if he or she wants to continue. For example, you can say something like, “I know you said you want to have sex but your body feels tense. Why don’t we just lie here and cuddle for a while?” When in doubt, stop the sexual contact and open up the lines of verbal communication.

Communication Man