What is Consent?

‘Consent’ is when a person agrees to a sexual activity with someone else. This sounds fairly straightforward but in reality, many people are uncomfortable talking about sex and making their intentions clear. This complicates the issue of consent. Some people get swept away in a moment of passion, some people are too shy or nervous to assert their own sexual boundaries, other people think that talking about sex will ruin the moment and don’t say anything at all.

Lots of people rely on physical signs and non-verbal cues to determine if their partner is comfortable with sexual activities but this isn’t always clear either. Receiving a physically aroused response, i.e. an erection or lubrication of the vagina, does not mean that a person is emotionally prepared to have sex.

People use their bodies to say whether they do or don’t enjoy something, so try to pay attention to your partner’s body language – is he tense and pulling away, is she scrunching up her face? Is he throwing off his clothes and pulling you closer?

Also, if a woman is using birth control, or someone is carrying condoms, it does not mean that she or he necessarily wants to have sex. Being prepared is not the same as consenting.

The only sure way to give or get consent is to communicate clearly and even then you need to be pretty specific to make sure there is mutual understanding. For example, what does “I want to make love to you” really mean? Does it mean kissing and touching? Does it mean sexual intercourse? What about oral sex, is this included?

So how do you avoid those fuzzy areas? Talk – talk – and talk some more. Being in a relationship does not guarantee consent. Have a conversation with your partner about sexual limits and needs before you are caught up in the moment.

Five tips to achieving consent:

• Know and respect your own boundaries.
• Think ahead of things you can say if you aren’t enjoying what’s going on “let’s do this instead,” “I would like this better,” “too far”...
• Let your partner know it’s okay to tell you if things are going too far or too fast.
• During sexual activities, ask your partner if he or she is enjoying it or not.
• Pay attention to your partner’s body language – does it match what the person is saying or doing?

Age of Protection ¹

Some laws talk about at what age youth can consent (say yes) to sex. These laws were not created to stop youth from sexual activity, but to protect them from being taken advantage of by someone older than themself.

At 16 a person can choose to have sex with an adult over 18.

Anyone who is 20 or older cannot have sex with anyone who is 14 and younger.
Anyone who is 19 or older cannot have sex with anyone who is 13 and younger.
Anyone who is 15 or older cannot have sex with anyone who is 12 and younger.
Anyone who is in a position of trust (coach, doctor, teacher, care giver) cannot have sex with someone who is 16 and younger who is under their authority.
People younger than 18 cannot lawfully choose to have anal sex.
People age 12 can choose to have sex with people ages 12 - 14.
People age 13 can choose to have sex with people ages 12 - 15.
People age 14 can choose to have sex with people ages 12-19.
People age 15 can choose to have sex with people ages 13-20.
Anyone who is 16 or older can choose to have sex with people who are 14 and older.

If an older person has sex with a younger person outside of these set boundaries, it is always the older person who is held responsible, by law. It is NEVER the fault of the younger person.
Saying that the age of the young person was unknown at the time of the sexual activity is NOT a valid defense unless the accused can prove that they took all reasonable steps to find out the age of the complainant.

Issues of Consent

• Consent is not legal if a person is incapacitated by drugs or alcohol. The issue of consent around the use of drugs and alcohol is a difficult standard to meet, particularly when people have willingly consumed some alcohol or drugs and then may been incapacitated by other substances without their knowledge or when people are too intoxicated to understand or know if they are giving consent. Being under the influence of drugs or alcohol is not an excusable defense for the offender not to have obtained consent.
• Consent is not legal if force or threats are used.
• Consent to anal intercourse is not legal for a person under the age of 18 unless they are married.
• Incest (sex between family members) is illegal at any age.
• It is not always possible to fight back and a lack of resistance does not mean a person has given consent. Some people stay quiet during unwanted sex because they are scared and others ‘zone out’ and pretend that they are somewhere else or not in their body in order to make the sexual assault less scary. If a person does fight back, they will not be charged with assault provided they did not use more force than necessary to fight off an attacker.

A Final Word On Consent…

It takes two to tangle and both parties need to agree to any sexual activity they share in together. Don’t rely on hearing or saying “no” to determine consent. Instead, seek a very enthusiastic “yes” or “let’s do it” from your partner. Clear consent means people say if they are comfortable with their sexual relationship and talk about what sexual activities they agree they would enjoy together.

1. Information reprinted with permission from the Calgary Communities Against Sexual Abuse (CCASA), (2008).